Home
entries friends calendar user info Previous Previous
anamia_broken

Advertisement

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
I think I just realized I'm addicted to cigarettes as well as self destruction.  I am being a pretty cranky bitch and although I'd like to blame it on the fact that THERE'S ONLY FUCKING CARBS IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE PEOPLE EAT ALL MY DAMN FOOD, i think it's really because i haven't had my morning cigarette/s and i'm pissed.  I'm not the happiest camper I'm on the verge of tears.  Why? I don't really cry often but i really am sick of carbs.  I'm trying to move out and i"m trying to control weight gain from the pill and turn that into weight loss. I feel like i have people watching me at every turn and i'm constantly being sabataged.  I know it's not true and it's just me being angry over food options(or lack there of).  I'm feeling smothered and I hate it.   Fuck being fat I can'tdo this anymore.  I'm going nuts.  AHHHHHHHH

Current Mood: annoyed with anxiety

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend

I AM/HAVE -
[x] anorexic
[X] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[JUST ATE :( *tear*] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast
[X] binging

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m bulimic
[x] ask me if im anorexic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[it's a love hate i don't want to have it but i also would rather deal then be fat] I could stop having an eating disorder

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[exactly] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. 
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair were a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses. - mostly contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[a small handful] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday. 
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x- on a delivery in front of a customer] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[/] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[/] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[/] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[x] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating


[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[] I condone pro-ana/mia sites

[x] I count calories
[] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x-still want to be thin] I don't want to get better
[x] I am in treatment (outpatient/inpatient, willingly, or unwillingly)

[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself  

Current Location: home :(
Current Mood: exhausted

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
Why is it this is the only place I feel content?  Not even content, but the closest I've felt in God knows how long.  Nothing seems to help anymore and I finally realized how much comforting I really require.  Did my mom fuck up that bad, or was I just doomed from the start?  god i wish i could just watch my life like a movie and understand.  Push pause on where shit got real and just study it, find out how i can make it better, see if i missed out on a coping mechanism, see the killer outside of the door.  I can't do this much longer I need to starve, have to starve, but how?  I have eyes everywhere.  I feel like i'm on big brother and i don't want to dissapoint anyone.  I can't they won't let me.  Do i create these dillusions in my mind?  Am I a pathalogical liar and I don't even realize it?  Maybe it's for protection, for our protection.  GOD DAMN WHY ARE PEOPLE SOO FUCKING DUMB?!  can't they see what's wrong?  it's soo simple.  It's so in front of their eyes... I... for satan's sake i have it plastered on my body and the imbusuls still can't but one and one together...  maybe i need to try harder to fade away... tomorrow...
I wish that was what cloulds were made out of... just people... faded... that way they never really lost themselves, but they made something of themselves instead.... added to the atmosphere and found a way to make their imperfections a form of art... dancing in the sky... I want that to be me....
1 2 3...
   eatin less to please
       4 5 6...
           starve untill it clicks
           7 8 9...
                tell yourself your fine
maybe all i need is a good night's sleep.... yeah that's likely... I wish it was raining right now so i had something to sing me into another night of borrowed sleep

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: alanis

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
it's official.  I should just start wearing a shirt listing all of my issues on it.  That way when i meet people they can either take me or leave me as i am.  no games, just striaght up.  That way they can't rip my fucking heart out.  I'm really sick off all these guys who can think they can step up and be there for me.  It sounds great untill they realize there's nothing they can do.  They can either accept me or leave me... funny story people always leave.  I don't know which way is up and what way is down anymore.  Oh and i got kicked out today... fabulous.  I'm so sick of not meeting anyones standards.  I just gave up my standards.  if you're not fat, don't have stds, and can handle me... you're in.  this is bullshit... i almost got thrown through a door... my mom almost broke it after i tried to be honest with her.  no wonder i never fucking talk to people.  i would stop eating again, but my body can't handle that.  especially when i'm going to be bumped back up to fourty to fifty hours a week, and trying to get a second job on top of that... fuck this.  idk how i've managed to live with myself so long... idk how much longer i can take it.  the fear of burning the most painful death for all of eternity keeps me going... ok so it's mostly because i haven't published my book yet.  the song gives you hell by all american rejects is the only one coming to mind... how fucking appropriate.  just to think i blew off dancing and my ex bf andy... the two loves of my life, tonight to talk to drew's stupid ass and he fucking ends things... after i started to open up and pour my heart out to him.. he told me he wouldn't let me push him away he told me he wouldn't be like the others... he fucking lied just like everyone else.  cool... great day. my dad tries to sign me up for the fucking peace core and i'm stranded... yay life
 

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: all american rejects gives you hell

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend

if you were to ask me what the best feeling in the world is, I'd tell you it's when you're mid leap and you know you're going to land it perfectly.  But if you were to ask me how to do that, I'd tell you to ask me my second two favorite feelings...  you can't fly unless you're light.  You can't be light without starving or purging.  You know why dancers don't have award speeches?  Because they'd either A.  not have anyone besides themselfs and their instructors to thank or B.  They'd thank their dear friends ana and mia.  Show me a dancer without some sort of ED or self esteem issues and I'll show you a dancer who lacks passion.  

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
What's a fact about the last person who called you?
we're quoting invader zim right now



Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
not usually



What happened to you at 10:00 am?
i was leaving to church

When did you last cry?
today



What is your favorite thing to eat?
sourkraught



What do you want in your life right now?
more independence and self control



Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
hood if anything.  i like the way the rain feels as it falls on me



What do you smell like?
pizza hut mixed with perfume



What is your favorite Gatorade flavor?
not a fan)

Whats your favorite thing to have on your bed?
stuffed animals and pillows

Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
pants.



What was the last movie you went to see?
drillbit tayler

What was the last movie you saw at home?
save the last dance 2



Can you sleep in jeans?
yup



Something you just don't understand?
my parents



Who was the last person you were in a car with?
myself... before that my parents to church today



Do you trust people easily?
not a fucking chance



Do you say "dawg"?
not often... i'm white it comes out dog



Who was last to cook for you?
the resteraunt

Do you care what others think about you?
yes



Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
not sure



Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again?
yup

What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
graduation and hopefully moving the fuck out

Do you plan on moving in the next year?
yesssssssssssss

Where were you last night?
mongolian bbq with boyfriend, then home and bed

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
sometimes



Has anyone ever sang to you?
yes



Has anyone ever given you roses?
yup.



Who do you text the most?:
chris



How do you make your money?
pizza hut, cutting hair, arts and crafts soon



First person to text today?
chris



What is your favorite color?
silver



What color are your eyes?
brownish hazel.



Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
dad and as i was walking out the door to work



Do you like your parents?
dad more than mom


Do you secretly like someone?
yup.



Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
australia

Last thing you ate?
fortune cookie



What was last thing you drank?
water.



Are you happy right now?
kinda



What were you doing last night at midnight?
going to bed

Current Mood: high

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
When was the last time you ingested a substance to alter/enhance a mood?
about to in like five minutes

Is there someone you would like to get to know better?
yeah a few people

Why?
because boys are cute

Futon or mattress?
mattress

Cigarettes or coffee?
coffee

Do you drink tea?
cometimes... kinda allergic

Cow milk, or Soy milk?
soy

When was the last time it hailed?
supposedly yesterday

Do you have slippers?
yes

What do they look like?
kermit the frog

Tater tots or triscuits?
triscuits... not allergic

How much is your cell phone bill?
i think 70

Who was the last person you flirted with?
probably someone from my fourth hour; joe

Do you make decisions based purely on desire?
not often

Bike chain or U-lock?
chain



How many hours a week do you work?
10-13 on average



Do you have any secrets?
yes many

Omelette or Eggs Benedict?
omelette

Mushrooms or Acid?
neither

Do you have a porn collection?
nope.



Did you ask for help today?
yes.  miah; my outfit for a date

Who was the last person that you helped?
manager

Mom or Dad?
daddddddddd

Do you miss someone?
kinda

Pond or ocean?
oeans

The way to win your heart?
idk through dance

When was the last time you really laughed?
a few days ago


Do you twirl or scoop your spaghetti?
both

What are you like when you're drunk?
a couple weekends ago

Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
allergic and never from the carton

Do you like anyone now?
yes

When was the last song you sang out loud?
the doom song

Favorite Cereal?
too many carbs to fully enjoy but on a binge... lucky charms

Is your birthday on a holiday?
it was one year

Can you cook?
yeah

Did you have a nap today?
i almost did in the lock it at hut



When is your birthday?
march 31



Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
jo ann faberics

What the first thing you notice of the opposite sex?
hair and body size

What color is your favorite shoe?
dark blue

Are you a social or antisocial person?
a little of both

Do you have a tan?
slight tan

Current Mood: high

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
According to your ex, you are...?
depends which one you ask... most recent... probably a game playing bitch... but that's not me at all... give him a few months and he'll come around



Do you tell your best friends EVERYTHING?
nope





How have you felt today?
crap-- ate waaaaaaaaaayyyyy too much and had an allergic reactions...hello bennadryl



When was the last time you had butterflies?
i dont remember



When was the last time you showered?
yesterday





If you're single, why?
i'm not but i should be




Have you ever kissed anyone over 17?
yes





What were the last two TV shows you watched?
icarly and i dont remember


Something you want:
to be thin... and to dance again

Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
not really


What are you wearing on your feet?
nothing


Who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
besides myself... ally or sam most likely

Last person you talked to on IM?
eric right now

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
school, work, sam's birthday


What color are your fingernails?
chipped pink

Who was the last person you held hands with?
ally


What phone do you have?
juke





What are your favorite lyrics right now?
skinny by filter or i do


Do you have feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?
yes and not really for my boyfriend... whoops





Things you first notice about the opposite sex:
hair, skin, and dress



Last time you were disappointed?
today



Do you like being in pictures?
no



Do you tend to fall for people easily?
no i don't fall


Name something that entertained you today?
my best friend jerimaih


Who's car were you in last?
mine





When was the last time you kissed someone?
yesterday... ally, then chris, then ally again

Last movie you watched?
finding nemo


Where did you sleep last night?
my bed





Are you happy right now?
no i'm indifferent


What did you say last?
ok mom i'll come eat

"

Where is your phone?
in front of me



What color are your eyes?
Brown.





Who came over last?
chris

When was the last time you had your heart broken?
... haven't



If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
to be skinny again





Who is always there when you need someone to talk to?
no one's always there.  miah more than anyone





What were you doing at midnight last night?
trying tosleep



What's for dinner tonight?
rice turkey and peas

What is the last alcoholic beverage you have?
shot of vodka





When Is Your Birthday?
3-31-1990





Who was the last person to send you a text message?
chris aka bf

Where was the last place you went shopping?
i don' rememer



How do you feel about your hair right now?
hate it





AIM or MSN?
AIM


Where does most of your family live?
michigan.




Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I have 2 sistesr,



What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
fuck hives





What is/was your favorite subject in school?
english






What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
emotionalbastards

Current Mood: full and fat

Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
wow i managed to FUCK up everything but my hair.  i dyed it and it's the ONE thing i've done good/right.  the rest of my life is fucked
my dad's MAKING me eat
i can feel the fucking gain and i couldn't fucking purge.  i'd have to dance all fucking night to lose anything
i'm exhausted
i fucked my bikini wax
my tan SUCKS
did i mention i'm exhausted?
i havn'e accomplished ANYTHING
fuck me
Add to Memories
Tell a Friend
gha i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself.  I CAN NEVVVVVVVVER DO ANYYY THING RIGHT! wtf is wrong with mer? seriously?  isn't it bad enough i fail at everything? do i really need to eat too? fuck myself and fuck my life.  I don't even have the edge to go back to anorexia!  I'm half assing it now.  I'm sooo scared.  I'm torn between two worlds.  I know what i "should" do, but i could never be happy there.  I know what i want to do... but it's conditions scare me.  If only i could waste away with no consequences.  If i go back to that, it's not guarented i'll graduate high school... fuck.  I just want to write and paint... and be thin... no not thin... barely existant... i'm far from that now... i'm a fat lard... i can't even exorcise the same for my clothing reveals too much... fat and scars... my parents will find out more... oh and speaking of which... how do they not know i smoke? seriously? are you fucking kidding me?  what i wouldn't give for a drink? and what's up with people not paying me what they owe?  i'm always pissed but not enough to cut off my fat... life... sucks... and this is me in a fairly good mood.  amanda cries, weaps, wails... and everyone pitties her... oh they've never seen a girl in such pain... yet she confides in me and i can more than identify... i can take her pain to the next step... what's the difference?  i am not led my emotion... i'm so pained i no longer feel.... i've detatched myself from my emotions, fore i cannot live in that much suffering... i conceal my pain, for i know others cannot help me... i am strong... she is weak... weak aggrivates me for i am still far too weak...

Current Mood: cranky

profile
anamia_broken
Name: anamia_broken
calendar
Back July 2009
1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031
page summary
tags

    Advertisement

    Customize